I Was Racist Against Myself
Stuck In The Victim Mindset
My Experience With Racism
I’m different, but I didn’t always know that. When I finally did, it had a drastic effect on me. I blamed my problems on my differences and eventually, became racist against myself and got stuck in the victim mindset.
Growing up, I did not see a difference between me and the other kids at school. Some of us were better at certain sports, and others were better at certain subjects, but we were all just kids.
That changed when I moved to Winnipeg.
The New Kid
Moving to Winnipeg in grade 5 meant I was the new kid in school. Everyone was white aside from myself, and the other new kid who was Vietnamese.
This was the first time I truly felt different. Different wasn’t bad though, not yet anyway.
Different was good at first. I felt like I stood out in a good way. Not only was I the new kid but I appeared different and it felt like that was an advantage.
Things are relatively pretty great and worry-free when you’re a kid.
Next was grade 7, which meant a new school, again, and new people… a lot of new people. This also meant puberty.
Puberty means a lot of hormones, a lot of change, and a lot of feelings. Like any other kid in grade 7, things started to seem more difficult and when things get more difficult, we look for something to blame.
This is when I became racist against myself. I was the victim.
This girl doesn’t like me back. I wonder why? Must be because I’m different.
What makes me different? My skin colour.
This only got worse as I went through high school.
Wasn’t as good at a sport? Must be because of my genes.
Have acne? Must be because I'm brown.
The truth is, instead of having accountability, I found something else to blame, and the easiest thing to blame was what made me visibly different - the colour of my skin.
The ironic part is most of these problems were no one's fault, let alone my own, or my skin’s.
These problems were the same as anyone else’s, completely natural and part of growing up.
No one can be the best at anything, but it doesn’t really feel like we’re taught that in school.
Many say that you should focus on your strengths and maximize those instead of trying to improve your weaknesses. Kids, however, rarely see it like that.
Kids feel ashamed for not being good at something and will look for something to blame and that’s just what I did.
As kids, we are constantly told we aren’t good enough when we get bad grades, when we lose a game, or when we aren’t picked. Yet, it doesn’t feel like we were ever told why.
It was always “improve where you are bad” and never “double down where you are good”.
As I got older, my issues with blaming the colour of my skin only got worse…
The World Reinforced My Racism
The world is a beautiful place filled with good and bad. If you focus on the bad, that’s all you’ll see.
As I got older, I started noticing more of the bad in the world, including racism. This reinforced my thoughts that being brown was a downfall.
I was never able to get a job while using my real last name on my resume, Maharajh (except when I had a reference on one occasion). I always had to use my mom’s last name, Bouchard.
It got even worse when I turned 18.
When I was 18, there was a bar I couldn’t get into called Whiskey Dix. I was told by the bouncer that it was because I was brown. Straight up because I was brown, no shame at all.
Another time at a bar, I approached a girl and was turned down and later overheard the girl telling her friends it was because brown guys grossed her out.
What happened was the more the world was racist to me, the more I was racist against myself.
I was a victim in my mind and it just kept escalating.
My skin got worse, I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, struggled to put on muscle, struggled to get the jobs I wanted, and of course, struggled with girls.
Guess why I thought I had these issues… Because I was different. I’m brown, that must be the issue.
Even when I travelled if I did not shave my beard, I would always get “randomly” searched. To be honest, that might be because I’m brown.
The Truth
When you take a look at these issues I had, they were all actually interconnected, and none of them were specifically because of me being different.
The problem was that I became a victim and made the reason for my problems something that was out of my control.
My skin was bad because I was in puberty and it turned out that dairy caused my acne. When I cut dairy out of my diet, my skin got better.
Rarely anyone knows what they want to do with their life, especially at 19.
What matters is that you're progressing and building momentum in any direction. Keep trying, keep learning and keep working.
This lack of knowledge had nothing to do with the colour of my skin, but I made it because of that.
I couldn’t put on muscle easily because my metabolism wasn’t insanely fast. I wasn’t eating enough protein or enough in general. This had nothing to do with the colour of my skin.
When it came to jobs, it was only partly because of the colour of my skin. I also lacked experience, and knowledge in the jobs I was applying for, and I didn’t realize how much knowing the right people mattered when getting a job.
Last but not least, girls.
I didn’t struggle with girls because of the colour of my skin. I struggled with girls because I lacked confidence, and did not know myself, my place, or my direction.
Guess why I lacked confidence… because I made myself a victim.
What girl would want to be with a guy who is lost and does not know where he’s going? That’s not a train anyone is eager to hop on.
Things Changed
All of this changed as I grew older and finally gained confidence.
I started learning more and found where some of my strengths were. As I started to leverage my strengths, my confidence grew.
Working out regularly, training in Muay Thai and playing basketball helped build confidence in my body, and my ability to carry myself.
Of course, naturally, as my confidence grew, I started having better luck with girls.
At the end of the day, it turned out that none of my problems had anything to do with me being brown. In fact, the colour of my skin ended up being an advantage in many scenarios.
I started working in the nightlife industry and meeting more people around the city. My culture helped me connect with many people I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise.
My culture is why I grew up being social, not afraid to dance, and love having a good time. This helped me grow in the industry and was able to use this to help build my businesses as well.
Conclusion
Changing basic habits and beliefs, changed my direction and it turned what I thought was my weakness, was one of my strengths.
Sometimes racism is the issue. Racism is present in the world and none of us can escape it. However, we don’t have to be racist against ourselves and we certainly don’t have to make ourselves a victim.
I was crippling myself and victimizing myself more than necessary. Instead of facing the truth, and working on what was in my control, I was blaming what I couldn’t.
I am different. I do have a different skin colour. However, this is not a weakness.
Everyone is different. That’s not what matters. What matters is who you are.
How do you treat others? What are your strengths? What do you know, or know how to do?
Having skills, knowledge, and emotional intelligence is important. This is what will make a difference.
When you make yourself a victim, you prevent yourself from rising up. You’re telling yourself that the reasons you are failing are out of your control.
All I had to do was become self-aware, develop myself, and accept myself.
Now, I am proud to be who I am, I am proud of my culture and I am proud of the colour of my skin.
As for racism… it’ll always be there, but the truth is, the majority of people aren’t racist. Just don’t associate with the ones who are.
Thanks for reading,
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