10 Relationship Tips From a Guy With 10 Failed Relationships
Some not-so-obvious relationship advice that might change how you navigate your relationship
I am a 31-year-old man who has had 10 failed relationships. Many would say that is a red flag.
Maybe it means I have commitment issues, am damaged goods, or am just a shitty person. All possibilities, we all have our own issues after all.
However, like any other failure in life, it is really only a failure if you don’t learn anything from the experience.
The truth is, I learned a lot from each relationship - not only about relationships but about myself. For example, I learned what I actually want, what’s acceptable behaviour, and what (some) women want.
Through every relationship, I never cheated and was never physically abusive. But, I was not always the best boyfriend and have made mistakes like anyone else.
So, my goal today is to share with you some relationship tips that I learned from my 10 failed relationships and my now successful one.
1. Don’t enter a relationship, when you are not interested
This seems like an obvious one, but something I didn’t really consider when I was younger. I once entered a relationship because I knew she liked me, and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by turning her down.
Extremely flawed logic, I know.
I ended up having to end the relationship and in turn, hurt her more than I would have if I just turned her down to begin with.
Sometimes it’s not as obvious as this though. Sometimes you enter a relationship without knowing what you actually want, or not knowing who your partner actually is.
So, make sure to identify what you are looking for, and make sure you know who you are getting into a relationship with.
2. Make sure you are ready
This was a mistake I made multiple times before actually learning it properly. You do not want to enter a relationship if you are not ready to be in a relationship.
It will typically end up with you hurting the person that you do actually care about, and in turn, get hurt as well.
So, how do you know if you are ready?
I can tell you a few reasons how to know if you are NOT ready.
You are interested in more than one person.
You were sleeping around just a few days prior.
You are not yet healed from your past relationship.
As you enter the relationship, you think about how you will miss being single.
Now, I won’t say any names, but time and time again I have seen people enter relationships where they can check off all 4 of those reasons.
It’s okay to be single.
You don’t need to be with someone.
Take the time you need and focus on yourself until you are ready.
Quite often when you are ready, you are enjoying your own company so much, that you don’t even want to be in a relationship. That’s typically when you get smacked with the love bug, and in my experience, when I had the healthiest relationships.
3. Check in with each other often
It’s very easy to get caught up in your lives, get stuck in a routine, and forget to have important conversations.
This can be detrimental to a relationship.
Make sure to check in often, see how things are actually going, and give yourself a safe environment to open up.
Quite often we don’t even know we are holding something in, and then it all comes out. Checking in regularly makes it a lot harder to accidentally bury any issues or feelings and makes it easier to open up when there is something going on.
4. Go on dates
Do you have any idea how many women I have talked to who told me they had literally never been on a date?
Some of them had even been in relationships for years.
I don’t know why going on dates is disappearing, but I find it to be necessary in any relationship.
You want the chance to go out together, be alone, talk, enjoy food, a movie, a show, or whatever. It’s a great opportunity to get closer, bond, and fall more in love.
Go on dates, FFS.
5. Listen to yourself
A major problem arises when you start listening to everybody else’s advice. At the end of the day, the only people that are in the relationship are you, and your partner.
You need to listen to your heart and listen to your gut. Your gut is important because sometimes your heart is blind.
Your partner might be bad for you, is hurting you and you can’t see it, because you’re “in love”.
And sometimes your gut is telling you no, but that’s because you’ve been hurt in the past. Sometimes you have to take the risk to get past that gut feeling and listen to your heart.
There is a healthy balance between the two that needs to be had.
The other problem with listening to others is they only know what you’re telling them. Quite often, you are only telling them the bad things, so of course they’ll tell you to run.
So while part of the lesson is to be aware of what you are telling your friends & family, the other part of it is to listen to yourself.
You’re the only one who truly knows the relationship.
P.S. There are exceptions where you are blinded or manipulated by your partner and you should be listening to your friends & family. This point is more about healthy relationships.
6. No one wins in an argument
Stop trying to win arguments. If your partner loses, feels sad, and hurt… You are losing too.
In fact, you might even be losing more.
The goal of an argument should be to find the truth and common ground. You should both walk away feeling satisfied and like the issue was solved. This means you need to be able to compromise.
Something that should be added though is that not all arguments are real.
What do I mean by that?
Next time you are arguing, take a break for an hour, maybe go eat some food, take a shower, go for a walk, or take a nap. I bet that 90% of your arguments after doing those things won’t even matter anymore.
It’ll just so happen that your problem wasn’t a big deal. You were just HANGRY.
7. Tell them you love them.
Obviously don’t do this if you aren’t in love (I know some people who’ve done that). But, if you are in love, tell them ALL THE TIME.
Tell them when you wake up before you go to sleep, and anytime that you look at them and feel love, say it.
If you become annoying they can tell you to chill.
I’ve never met anyone who got annoyed that their partner tells them they love them too often. However, I have met numerous people who complain that their partner DOESN’T say it enough.
If you love them, tell them.
8. Don’t make decisions when you’re in the wrong state.
This was one of the biggest downfalls in my relationships. I often made decisions when I was in the wrong state of mind, and then regretted it later.
Listen closely… whatever you do, do not make relationship decisions when you are hungover or intoxicated. You are more emotional, and not thinking rationally.
In fact, don’t make any decisions when you are hungover or intoxicated. You will quite often regret it.
Wait 2-3 days after the last time you drank, and then make a decision.
The wrong state doesn’t always mean you are hungover though! It could mean that something else happened in your life and now you are acting irrationally. And it could be as simple as you had a bad sleep or are hungry, and you are now a grump.
I have both started and ended relationships while in the wrong state. Big no no.
9. Dedicate a minimum amount of time to your partner
If you’re anything like me, then you are extremely busy. In the past, I was even busier than I am now.
This often caused issues.
I made the mistake of prioritizing work far ahead of my relationship and as a result, my relationships often collapsed.
A new rule of thumb that I try to follow is dedicating a minimum of an hour a day to my partner.
This is the time when your phone should be away (unless you’re playing games together, or have a couples account (follow @alyandnik)), and you spend time truly with your partner.
Even if that is just to watch a TV show together. Ideally, though, this is the time when you want to catch up, see how their day was, and find out what else is going on in their life.
10. Make sure you love yourself first
It’s extremely hard to love someone else if you don’t even love yourself. On top of that, it’s extremely hard for someone else to love you, if you don’t love yourself.
If you don’t love yourself, you are not ready for a relationship. If this is the case, you should be spending as much time as possible falling in love with yourself.
Decide what it is about yourself that you don’t love, and then decide what kind of person you would have to be for you to love yourself.
The beauty of life is that you can be whoever you want to be.
At any point you can decide to start reading, hit the gym, buy new clothes, or become a nicer person.
So, fall in love with yourself, before entering a relationship.
Conclusion
There you have it! My unconventional, not-so-obvious relationship advice.
I have good news for you too. I’ve now been in a relationship for a year with an absolutely incredible person.
We love each other very much, our relationship is healthy and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I followed (and am following) the relationship advice above.
So don’t worry, following these rules doesn’t mean you will also have 10 failed relationships.
By following this advice, you can avoid failing where I failed, and you too can perhaps find someone as incredible as my partner.
Thanks for reading
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